Warning! This is a snippet of my journey in healing Adrenal Fatigue. It is a real and serious health condition. It affects our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of our being. This is a low point in my recovery and a pivot. I share it because others are secretly suffering too. If you don't think so, then think again. Here goes...
September 30, 2022~I have been in a deep dark hole since getting the test results that my adrenals are worse now than when I started (April 2022). I guess all of the changes and temper tantrums have burned up my reserves and it is time to really look at what I have been doing to myself. I feel so much emotional pain. It is really sluggish and difficult to see the path forward. I have no clarity and I guess I am not supposed to. This is a true lesson in surrender, having faith and trusting in the unknown.
I have felt lost, angry, scared, and in a state of despair. So many changes, not a lot of support or help. It has been lonely and somedays are best survived with a hug from another person. I guess I need to hug myself more. Having alone time is necessary for processing all of the bullshit I have picked up and carried around for the last 46 years of my life.
There is a blessing in all of this…the emotional pain is forcing me to look at my inner and outer world. I have felt abandoned, rejected, and neglected for much of my life. I have a deep fear that I am unlovable and that I don’t deserve to live the life I dream about. I guess this is what is asking for healing now. Somehow it worked for me, I got really good at protecting my heart. I built up one giant heart-wall to keep people from hurting me. Picture giant stone blocks that were used to build a castle. That is what my heart wall felt like. It was my own version of freedom and my own version of hell.
I am walking around wounded and living out these wounds by playing the best victim I know how to play. It’s a trauma response: fight, flight, freeze or hide. I learned very early that I could not be me, I had to earn love. People pleaser extraordinaire!! I didn’t feel a sense of belonging, anywhere. I did what I could to be seen and recognized, but most of the time I wasn’t and I was rejected, neglected, and abandoned leading me to feel bitter. Really bitter. I tried to hide it and play well with others. I thought I needed to be less selfish and more giving. I became a perfectionist. I looked outside of myself for validation and acceptance. Too bad, because this is an inside job. Ain’t gonna find it out there, when deep down, I believe I am unlovable and undeserving. Time to go in and find the places where this lives inside of my body to gently heal and release it.
I realized that I just replaced one to do list with another in my recovery. I really have not changed my mindset or behavior yet – I still feel lazy when I am not using my time productively or efficiently (toxic productivity anyone?). I still feel like I have to earn the dream. I still feel like I have to hustle to be of value in this world. I keep trying to make effective use of my time. I signed up for learning programs for business marketing, human design, and money mindset. All things that are important in the long run, but also distractions that keep me from truly resting. I tend to stress about the cost, commitment, and duration of these programs. If I am not working, then what have I got to show for my time off? Seriously!! I am trying to justify and earn my existence on this planet (this motivation is making me sick). What will it take to finally believe I am lovable? I am not sure, but I do know that I will not give up until I do.
Adrenal Fatigue is a lifestyle shift, and it takes as long as it takes. It is burnout on steroids!! The beauty of it is that it’s a road to authenticity, and journey to remembering who I really am. It is like peeling an onion to find a precious fragile flower bud hidden inside, or like a pressure washer blasting all of the gunk away from the sidewalk.
Adrenal Fatigue is the ultimate lesson in healing the spiritual connection, putting down the mask of who we think we need to be, and learning to live beyond it. To accept and love who we are on the inside and stop comparing to what is happening with others. It's a time to write a new story - an empowering story - not a victim story. Want to join me?